I was inspired to finally write this by yet another friend that went through deep life changing events that turned his naturally joyful and open soul to anguish. Many people have had at least one life changing event, a turning point that led them to choose between one path and another.
Some choose to be angry at the world, at themselves and others, some choose to be the best version of themselves and be the change they want to see in others. Some choose to go against the tide and surf wave after wave until they arrive to sunny shores. We were all created brave because none of these paths are easy.
In all the years observing the natural unfolding of the impact that society has on its members, I have noticed a huge emphasis on “trauma” and how this random word used so carefully before has become “ a thing” a true, seemingly daily ritual for many to justify and describe their current emotional, mental and physical state of being. The word “trauma” was rarely used for severe cases of huge proportions, usually for accidents, war zones… etc. Nowadays all that ever happened that was painful and unjust, all that created fissures in an individual walls of protections is called “trauma”. So people feel like this is the go to word for their pain.
What is wrong with this scenario?
Well, where do I begin?
I will go ahead with the presumption that we are all trying to find healing solutions and move forward in finding our true selves, our joy and our will to live life fully and experience it feeling like champions of our own tournaments.
So in order to succeed in this tremendous task of regrouping and restarting the game of life we cannot afford to allow ourselves to bask in our pain. There is absolutely no valid reason why we would choose pain over happiness. And if there is, we should probably look into the reasons why do we hang on to it like it is a well-deserved award.
So logically speaking there is no reason why we would choose to give so much power to the word “trauma” that expresses in reality one tiny moment in the span of our life, when we felt betrayed, hurt, stripped of our dignity, abused, powerless, fearful, ashamed, dirty and even sometimes guilty. Buy enumerating all these emotions I am merely recognizing pain and many facets of it. It surely is not nothing and you surely have a reason for having felt that way about that one event that changed your life from harmonious joyful innocence to wherever you are at right now. There is absolutely no wrong way to feel about it. You feel as you feel, no questions asked.
The question is: how do you want to feel from now on? And here is another: what are you going to do about it?
There is much that you can do to turn this around. I am sure you have tried, counselling, therapy, hypnosis, meditation, yoga, reiki, physical exercises, meds, plants, sage, aroma therapy,praying, magic tricks and the works. What now?
Are you ready for the most beautiful adventure of your life? Are you ready to change your mind in order to change your life? Are you willing to allow yourself to demystify trauma and change the narrative of your life story?
That is where I am at and the first signs of recalibration of my current self to the present are working wonders for me. It is a slow-ish process but it is the best that I came up with so far. Nothing else took a real hammer at the walls of the events that changed the course of my life like the change in narrative process.
Our mind, as I see it is working at three levels: unconscious, subconscious and conscious. One huge event can get stuck deeply dug into the unconscious mind. That is when it is too hard to take it at the time that it happens and it goes from conscious mind to subconscious and the more you take to deal with it hides beneath the layers of the unconscious mind… It’s almost like it never happened. And it may even feel that way for a time until something new triggers that dormant memory to come back slowly to the surface pulsating, waiting to be released. Then it is time to “boogie” because there’s no other way but up.
There is the memory of a huge event that lingers in the subconscious mind bugging the heck out of us at the most awkward moments. But there’s no good time to have that come up to the surface, is there? What happens is that we refuse to deal with it. We say that “the past should stay in the past”, “all done, it’s over now, let’s move on”… etc. Well, you may want it to be so, but it seems that it doesn’t work that way. A part of you has been wounded, and it claims its rightful space of expression, of acknowledgement and acceptance. Basically, it is asking you to deal with it in a healthy way, in a permanent way. And it’s only fair that you, of all people acknowledge the fact that at one moment in time you have suffered and it was a big deal for the one you were, the one that you used to be way back when. The good news is that this does not need to affect the rest of your life! Isn’t that precious information?
I rejoice in the knowing that this is not the be all and end all of life. I have always known deeply and intimately that there is more to life than whatever this now moment is. But, frankly, I had no clue how to go about settling the situation between the one that I am now and the one that I used to be. All seemed so intermingled and I never made, until now, the connection to the idea that if all changes in nature, that must be true for the human beings as well. I kept saying to myself that after rain there is always sunshine but what does that mean for me? It means that I am not stuck. I was never stuck. I may have felt like I was stuck but it never was the case. So I now know that I am not the one I used to be, not ten minutes ago, not ten years ago, not twenty, thirty… etc. I am simply not the same person because I keep changing with all that there is in the universe. I am taller than thirty years ago for example, I have white hairs that I never had before, I know so much more about life and people and myself… So that makes the issue at hand more visible and easier to understand. If so many things have changed about me in this laps of time, it must be the case also for my relationship with that defining experience.
And why are we giving that much power to such a tiny moment in our history when there are so many more that are so beautiful and joyful? So I figured that this cannot be right. Why would I redefine myself around what one would call “a traumatic event” and not redefine myself around all the moments that came before and after that?
As you may have noticed, the mind is very keen in remembering the most emotionally heavy events in our lives. The deeper and heavier the emotions around it, the stronger the memory is. If emotion is energy in motion that means that somewhere along the way we have kept that energy stuck in our emotional back-pack for some unconscious reason. Which is not good because energy is supposed to flow, to circulate. So the stuck energy that is in motion is working itself round and round in a place within us that has failed to be released yet. And it keeps calling our attention to it over and over again until we accept that we need to look at it, acknowledge it and set it free, set ourselves free of it too.
You know… where the attention goes the energy flows. So how to go about it? Easy peasy lemon squeezy! Take your attention and its flowing energy to that place of energy in motion that keeps turning around and around and observe it, see it for what it is and let it go consciously. That is the beginning of the change in narrative!
Then you will understand what you haven’t understood before.
Changing the words is one key ingredient. “Trauma” shall be replaced with something else. You choose! It is your story. I’d go with “painful event” to begin with and move forward from there.
Perspective is another key ingredient. When did that moment happen? How old were you? What was your situation back then? Look for all the details.
How long has it been since then? How old are you? How have you grown since? What have you learned about life so far? What do you know now that you didn’t know back then? What is your situation now?
Putting distance between then and now is one thing that can definitely help you create a new space in which to grow, change and evolve.
How was your life before that event? How has your life been since then (apart from the effects of that impression left by that event)?
How small or big does that event look to you now that you look at it, from the perspective of your whole life span?
Is that moment really a lifetime engulfing thing that defines you and everything else that is a part of who you are, who you wanted to be, who you want to be still? Is that moment so important that however you look at it, it is a part of you as much as your eyes, your hands… ( that you can live without if need be), as important as your heart, lungs or liver ( that you cannot do without) ? How much of you is that thing?
Is it even a part of you? Is it even something that defines you? Or is it just a very unfortunate event that you can learn something from and move on finally!?
The more you observe, the more you look at it, the smaller it gets. You might have avoided looking at it because you feared it would grow bigger and bigger until there was no more space to breathe anymore but it is not the case. You are going on this memory trip with the intention to settle things and deal with it so your intention is key. If your intention is to make this event a mere bleep in your life story, than so it will be. Open the doors for the boogie man, you will see a tiny child (the former you) that is crying for help instead. Then you will do what is right. You will pick up that kid, take them in your heart and keep them safe forever because that kid is you and you would never leave yourself hanging alone in pain for such a long time. Would you?
You can now be the adult that saves and heals that kid. You can be the savior they have always been waiting for. You are the only one that can do this job.
With the safely held inner child tucked deep within your heart, holding them lovingly, you can look at that moment once again and see it shrinking and shrinking until nothing remains there but a little scar. That is a reminder that you were brave enough to face adversity and strong enough to go through anything from now on.
Happy healing day! The time is now!